Joke Of The Day

[domeanddomer 0]

a granny video, it's in the mail. stole it from my g-pop lol jk

 

 

http://www.joetheprogrammer.net/images/pumpkin-vomit.jpg

[jfschellcrna 11]

did someone say GRANNY??????????????? mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.........

[rdrdreamer 0]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town.

 

He’s going through his usual run of silly blonde jokes when a big blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, “OK jerk, I’ve heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What do a person’s physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person…because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large…all in the name of humor.â€

 

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, but the blonde pipes up, “You stay out of this mister, I’m talking to that little boy on your knee!â€

 

 

One more? Okay…

 

 

Three women escaped from prison. One was a redhead, one a brunette, and one a blonde. They ran for miles until they came upon an old barn where they decided to hide in the hayloft and rest. When they climbed up, they found three large gunnysacks and decided to climb into them for camouflage.

 

About an hour later, the sheriff and his deputy came into the barn. The sheriff told his deputy to go up and check out the hayloft. When he got up there, the sheriff asked him what he saw, and the deputy yelled back, “Just three gunnysacks.â€

 

The sheriff told him to find out what was in them, so the deputy kicked the first sack, which had the redhead in it. She went, “Bow-wowâ€, so the deputy told the sheriff there was a dog in it. Then he kicked the sack with the brunette in it. She went, “Meowâ€, so the deputy told the sheriff there was a cat in it. Then he kicked the one with the blonde in it, and there was no sound at all so he kicked it again.

 

Finally the blonde said, “Potatoes.â€

[ND FANATIC 0]

So a baby seal walks into a club.....

 

 

 

(not polically correct, but always makes me laugh)

[rdrdreamer 0]

Tommy Shaughnessy enters the confessional and says, “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman.â€

 

The priest asks, “Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?â€

 

“Yes, Father, it is.â€

 

“And who was the woman you were with?â€

 

“Sure and I can’t be tellin’ ya, Father. I don’t want to ruin her reputation.â€

 

“Well, Tommy,†says the priest, “I’m sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O’Malley?â€

 

“I cannot say,†says Tommy.

 

“Was it Patricia Kelly?â€

 

“I’ll never tell.â€

 

“Was it Liz Shannon?â€

 

“I’m sorry, but I’ll not name her.â€

 

“Was it Cathy Morgan?â€

 

“My lips are sealed.â€

 

“Was it Fiona McDonald, then?â€

 

“Please, Father, I cannot tell you.â€

 

The priest sighs in frustration. “You’re a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned, and you must atone. Be off with you now.â€

 

Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, “What’d you get?â€

 

“Five good leads!†says Tommy.

[rdrdreamer 0]

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, pinched her on her butt, and said, “You know, if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle. â€

 

This statement disgusted his wife, but she decided to keep quiet.

 

The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, “You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra. â€

 

She was so appalled that she couldn’t keep silent, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his package with a tight grip. She smiled and said, “You know, if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the butler, the pool man, and your brother. â€

[irish21 0]

 

That is great.

[rdrdreamer 0]

Three couples want to be married in a prestigious church. In order to do this, the minister explains, they must abstain from sex for 30 days and then report back to him.

 

Thiry days later, the first couple shows up and the preacher asks them how it went.

 

“Well, it was tough, but we really want this, so we made it.â€

 

“Great, see my secretary and she will set chapel reservations for you.â€

 

The second couple comes in shortly after that and says, “We had a real hard time but…we did it.â€

 

“Great, see my secretary,†says the preacher.

 

Then the third couple comes in and the minister asks them how it went. The man says, “It was really tough. We made it until day 28, and then…well, she dropped a can of corn on the floor, bent over to pick it up, she was wearing a mini skirt and no panties, and I couldn’t help it. I nailed her right there.â€

 

“You realize you are not allowed to get married in this church now, right?†the minister asks.

 

“Yeah,†the man replies. “That’s OK. We’re not allowed to shop at that Safeway anymore either.â€

[Scotty88 0]

Ha ha, that was good.

[blarney_stank 0]

Dreamer you are on a roll my friend. Keep em coming.

[rdrdreamer 0]

Dreamer you are on a roll my friend. Keep em coming.

 

For you my friend...

 

Young Justin has a cursing problem, and his father’s getting tired of it.

 

He decides to ask a shrink what to do. The shrink says, “Negative reinforcement. Since Christmas is coming up, ask Justin what he wants from Santa. If he curses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of each gift he requests.â€

 

Two days before Christmas, Justin’s father asks him what he wants for Christmas. “I want a damn teddy bear lying beside me when I wake up. When I go downstairs, I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside, I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage.â€

 

On Christmas morning, Justin wakes up and rolls into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walks downstairs and sees another pile under the tree. He walks outside, looks at a huge pile of dog poo by the garage, and walks inside. His dad smiles and asks, “What did Santa bring you this year?â€

 

Justin replies, “I think I got a goddarn dog, but I can’t find the son of a gun!â€

[irish21 0]

Youre on fire dreamer.

[blarney_stank 0]

I don't know where you are getting them from but I love it. You are in a zone.

[rdrdreamer 0]

A son comes home from college to West Virginia and tells his dad about a wonderful girl he’s met.

 

“Dad, she’s fantastic. She’s smart, in great shape, and she’s getting her teaching certificate this spring. I’m going to ask her to marry me, but…â€

 

“But what, son?†asks the father.

 

“She’s a virgin.â€

 

The father scratches his beard and says, “Son, if she ain’t good enough for her own family, she damn sure ain’t good enough for ours.â€

[rdrdreamer 0]

An old-timer in Scotland sits down at the bar. The bartender notices the guy looks depressed and asks him why.

 

“See that fence over there? I built it myself,†the old man says. “But do they call me McGregor the Fence Builder? No.

 

“And those trees,†the man continues. “I planted ’em myself. Still, no one calls me McGregor the Tree Planter.â€

 

Then the old man becomes silent and looks into his beer for a moment. Finally, he looks up at the bartender.

 

“But you hump one goat…â€

[rdrdreamer 0]

A blonde goes into the dry cleaners to have her sweater cleaned. She asks the clerk, “How much?â€

 

He doesn’t hear her correctly and says “Come again?â€

 

She giggles and says “No…it’s just mustard this time.â€

[tdnd81 2]

A blonde goes into the dry cleaners to have her sweater cleaned. She asks the clerk, “How much?â€

 

He doesn’t hear her correctly and says “Come again?â€

 

She giggles and says “No…it’s just mustard this time.â€

 

That was pretty frickin good, Who are you dreamer, richard pryor?haha

[rdrdreamer 0]

Three Canadian blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter represented.

 

The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."

 

St. Peter said, "No," and he banished her to Hell.

 

The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts."

 

St. Peter said, "No," and he banished her to Hell.

 

The third blonde said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when He was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested Him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and he died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder…"

 

St. Peter said, "Very good."

 

Then the blonde continued, "Now, every year they roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of hockey."

[rdrdreamer 0]

Two Irish guys walk out of a bar…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What? It could happen!

[rdrdreamer 0]

A woman walks into a bar and orders a whisky on the rocks. The bartender takes the glass and grabs a handful of ice. “Wait a minute,†says the woman. “I don’t know where those hands have been. Please use the tongs.â€

 

The bartender gives her a funny look, but shrugs and obliges. A couple minutes later the woman notices that the bartender has a string hanging from the zipper of his pants. “Excuse me, I don’t want you to get the wrong idea, but you have a string hanging from you zipper.â€

 

“Yeah, that’s so when I go to the bathroom, I can just pull it out without having to touch anything,†says the bartender. “That way I don’t need to wash my hands.â€

 

“That makes sense,†says the woman, and she continues to enjoy her drink. A few moments later, after having time to think, she adds, “I don’t mean to pry, but how do you get it back in?â€

 

The bartender smiles and replies, “That’s what the tongs are for.â€